Updated: Jun 14, 2019
11 things to do with real books other than reading them.
Have you ever looked at a book and gone, 'whats the point?' Well no neither have I,
but if I ever did this is what I've come up with. A I ain't gonna lie to you, it be strange.
Use one if you're sat next to some bus bastard who smells like a body farm in mid-August, just shove your nose deep into the book smell and make everyone on the number 7 think you've got a epic cocaine habit.
Create a book igloo because; fuck people.
Use it to correct your posture, so if you ever get sucked back in time to when young ladies were doing this with their time; you'll already be ahead. Just watch out for the imperial system, proper regional accents and straight-up racism.
Use a hardback as a teaching aid for those adults that still insist on playing frisbee in the park by throwing it at their face and shouting, 'this act of violence is as pointless as your game'.
Strap one to each foot to release your inner Prince. 'You'll be the most beautiful bookworm in the world.'
Use it as a prop for preaching, but you know shake things up a little, don't just use the bible, there's a whole array of books you can use to make people cross the street to avoid you.
Balance one on four egg cups to create a mini stage for your finger can-can finale. (It's real.)
If you're worried about weirdo activity in your area, wearing an upturned book as a hat will make you the weirdo and it's like magnets, weirdos repel each other.
Stack lots like a Christmas tree and reach the boss level on Hipster Hero.
Tape a couple to your mid-drift as protection against shivs, beatings, the tickle monster.
Show your mini DNA mongrels that you don't regret having them by spending the day building Booktopia, a world made of books and then go all Godzilla on Booktopia's arse, equally showing your bundles of joy that everything they love will die and that the safest bet in this life to love nothing at all.
One thing to never ever EVER do with a book.
Create some sort of craft that virtue signals how twee and playful you are when really all you've done is destroyed a book to make a pair of shit earnings.
Cute Little Sweary Side Note from Me.
So it has been casually mentioned that my writing style is a smidge angry so I wanted to clarify. Eli Allison is a super condensed version of me, a persona I can wear like a jacket, a really grim angry jacket, with exaggeration buttons and a silk lining of surreal.
I don't really regret having my kid, just like I don't really think you should throw hardbacks at pricks in parks. Well, maybe a novella-sized one.
I don't hate all people, just 80% of them.
I actually swear more in real life, I swear in front of my kid, in front of other peoples kids, at kids. Fucking kids.
The point is, while Eli is nothing without me, she's not totally me either.
I cried at Wall-E, bake cupcakes with little books on them, and like glitter.
Eli also likes glitter but would called me a massive pussy for crying at Wall-E and would almost definitely sell all my cupcakes for booze, cocktail umbrellas and stress balls.
So the lesson for today is, don't take every word as gospel but also appreciate that human beings are fucked up bags of broken-biscuits, and that's what makes them creative and full of rage but mostly creative.