Updated: Mar 25
With Coronavirus scaring the shit out of everyone and generally just being a massive thunder c*#t, I'm going to do a series of blog posts on how to survive the coming weeks.
Nothing as useful as how to make your own soap from your back fat or how to make a pressured suit from tea-towels and straws, but rather how to avoid going full Apocalypse Now while under lock-down visa vie, Martin Sheen's Tighty Whitey madness.
The New Normal
We all know the new routine, social distancing, no licking strange things, and wash your motherfucking hands, but for those loved ones that have to self-isolate, how can you let them know you've not forgotten about them, or the money they owe you? Post, you spanking momos.
For those too young to know what a letter is, (and screw you very much), it's an analogue email that always had liberal lashings of Tippex, typos and hieroglyphics masquerading as handwriting.
The thing about mail is not so much what your posting, but that you're posting it. Like a hand-delivered, magazine letters ransom note, it just screams, 'The Personal Touch'. No 'Reply All', no copy and paste, no generic GIFs. Just a personal letter that's from one human to another.
Unsure of what to send, then, I've got your back. I'm going to be showing 13 Bitchin' things you can send in the post, for the price of a stamp. And if you don't fancy braving the horde to hunt down the Queen's head on lickable paper you can print your own postage at home, then pop that bad boy right into the post-box. No interactions required. #LifeGoals
13 Bitchin' Things You Can Send in the Post
Let's get the basics out the way. An old fashioned twee-as-fuck letter. The only rule is, be yourself. You're not writing to the Tax Office, you're talking to a loved one, so knock off all the stick-up-your-arse formal and gets your bants at the ready. They don't have to be long sweeping odysseys either, just a simple note telling your best friend how you had to fight off hoarders for the last toilet roll or tell your Nan that you made dinner with just an onion, a frozen sausage and moxy. Don't have an envelope? No problem. Check out my Basic Bitch Folding skills below.
That strange tradition of lording it over all the folk back home having to work while you're on your jolly. Basically the original 'Hot-dog leg' social media post. Postcards are short and sweet, so think; jokes, poems, limericks, doodles, Haiku, quotes, strange facts about whales, 'Did you know a blue whale’s heart can be as big as a small car and beats loud enough to be detected from 3,000 meters away?' I mean you could do facts about other things, but why would you want to?
There are some options with apps that you can send a personalised photo as a postcard, they print it, write it, send it. Kind of neuters the whole personal thing, but my daughter loves them. She sends me postcards of her bogies. Seriously. Bogies.
This is a great one for kids. Either embrace your inner Beatrix Potter and write a lovely story for the feral little nieces and nephews in your family tree or get your kids to write stories for Grandparents. Make sure you have thick crayon doodles with each page, Nana's eat that shit up. Just be careful, we all know kids can get licky... So make sure the little tikes don't show their love through the medium of snot.
Make like the zen fucking master you are and send cute little folded pieces of paper. I don't know why but this art form is so much more than the sum of its parts. Here's a great website, that has all the origami you could ever wish for.
Have a great recipe that makes cauliflower your bitch? Or the perfect fish cake recipe that bosses that sad bit of leftover mash? Share that knowledge. Spread it thick. Work it into the empty crevices of our collective knowledge.
Paper Fortune Teller (Grown-ups or really cool kids only)
Does what it says on the tin. Here's a handy guide on how to fold this bad boy into a gift that keeps on swearing.
Mini Fun Book
I love a mini-book, and I mean I fucking love a mini-book. All you need is a sheet of A4, some time, and a desperate need for everyone to think your crafty amazing so they won't dump you for more interesting people... that might just be me though. Any-who fill your book with reasons you miss them or your favourite swears, either works. Here's a great place to get your craft on.
Dig out the old photo box, and find some snaps that make you feel all warm inside*. Send those snaps far and wide so you can siphon off all the good feelings and live forever! *Warning looking at old photos may cause wincing as you see how pasty and bland you really looked, and the realisation; that's what you still look like. You've just been hiding behind an Instagram filter for the past 10 years.
I'm guessing Netflix is going to hit hard, but perhaps books aren't out of the fight just yet. Along with your bookmark, think about setting up an Online Book Club. Having everyone read the same book can be a collective experience, just keep it light, The Road by Cormac McCarthy is not the family read you're looking for. *Unless you're the Manson Family.
Cut out crossword or Sudoku puzzles from newspapers, or Nerd Power Up and make your own. There are 'fun' websites that let you put in the words you like and it will make one for you. What a time to be alive.
Spring arrives and I hit the Garden Centre hard, piling packets of seeds into my basket shouting, 'Fuck society I'm going it alone, how hard is it to grow asparagus anyway?' Like some sort of angry seed bank, but of course, I never do, which means I have quite a few packets of seeds lying around. Since the garden is one of the few places we're allowed to be homegrown suddenly seems very vogue.
Top tip. If you don't have any seeds of your own, drying out seeds from your vegetables can give good results.
That 'purse-friendly, phone it in, shit I forgot his birthday', IOU vouchers really comes into its own in a world were literally everything is on hold. Keep people and local business going by planning and booking things for after the shut down ends. A ladies lunch here. A Brunch date there. A 48-hour house party that became history, a history that became legend. A Legend became myth. That sort of thing.
A Flat-Pack Care Package
This is the show-off, gold plated, dog's bollocks option. A few little sweet things in each envelope to really hammer home the love. Remember not too much, we don't want the Postman thinking you're taking the piss and not deliver it. Here are some ideas.
A swish tea bag, think the ones that come in their own little packets, posh bastards.
Some sort of thin chocolate bar, Freddy Frogs work great.
A stamp so they too can send some love on.
Small thin notebooks.
Printed out colouring pages.
Comic strips. Articles from newspapers they might find interesting. Riddles. Stickers.
That's it. Easy to swish ideas to send in the post. Stay safe guys and remember wash your hands, keep up with the social distancing , and help each other.