Only ten spots left on my 'Sling Me A Review And I'll Doodle My Arse Off For you' train, it's a long arse name for a train I grant you, but it's early this side of the keyboard and I need six more coffees to be concise.
So let's get real...The reason I doodle my reviewers is that I'm so thankful for their efforts. (There is also a small social media angle which I don't want to bore me with let alone you.) Without reviews, my book has almost no chance of being noticed. I don't have the kind of money you need for adverting, and the big-hitting reviewers from papers and magazines reviewing Sour Fruit is as likely as me getting a blow job from Aslan.
Let me throw you some numbers, slightly older but they give you an idea. In 2014, 20 new titles were printed every hour. 20. Every. Hour.
It doesn't matter if you wrote the most amazing book, if people don't read it, and review it will be crowded out and die. And not a cool death with explosions and wisecracking side-kicks and face-off machines and Tom Cruise jumping off stuff with his little elf legs. It will just wither and fade away. So if you love a book, (and I'm talking all books here not just mine) don't just pop it on the shelf, tell people, post reviews, buy copies for friends, follow authors on social media, big them up, send them hugs. Because writing is a lonely, badly paid sport, that most writers do for the love of it. But without them, we'd only have celebrity biographies, celebrity cookbooks, celebrity lifestyle books, see where I'm going with this? It's a fucking cultural Armageddon.
Everyone needs to feed their cheese habit, even writers. I need that cheese guys, need it bad, so leave a review. Don't make me fall as far as Aslan with his BOGOF blows jobs round the back of Safeway to get by. And if you've already left a review, then Thank you, and not one of those begrudging kind my kid mutters at Christmas, but a deep heartfelt one.
Like Alabama Whitman from True Romance says, "...and all I could think was-you're so cool!"