All the gossip, a fabulous free printout and swears as far as the eye can see.
Summer is over!
Long live Autumn! You majestic bastard. The turning of the trees, fireworks, enough toffee apples to test your teeth's metal in a punishing cage fighting tournament of hardened sugar and enamel. Ah, my favourite season...until COVID came and dicked everything.
While Sept traditionally held the promise of not having to eat outside (like barbarians) for another nine months and of being able to dust off the old, 'The child unit is back at school so maybe not' for events. Or of just being able to wear tights during the day without looking like a vigilante. These simple pleasures are gone.
We're all huddled outside for the foreseeable future if we want to actually see other humans during dinner. And what I wouldn't give to have to lie through my teeth so I can u-turn my way out of a life-affirming event. Don't even talk to me about tights. Day? Night? It doesn't matter anymore. All I've worn for the last six months is a haunted soul of a clothing item that might have been sweat pants, might have been PJs, might have been holiday palazzos I slid into during a cheese and wine episode around the 100-day mark I don't remember taking off.
Relentless Carousel
We're trapped on a relentless carousel of anaemic living. So for this month's mailing list, (click the black 'Join Us' button on the top left to sign up) I've created a free fortune teller print-out. But this isn't your basic bitch pick me up fortunes, but a creative way to add spice to your every day because God knows we need it. WARNING this playful old school special is not for children or some adults, use at your own social exclusion risk. Instructions live here.
What's been happening at the old casa de Eli?
Writing
I've created a blog series where I show you a before and after of my very own WIPs talking you through my changes.
We dived deep into dialogue over the last month tackling: avoiding exposition, creating conversation goals, and characterisation. Five-minute reads that will make you think... about well the ..er...writing process. Not about how difficult it would be to train squirrels into a self-driving husky team. That's on you.
Art
Got a couple of brand new spanking art tutorials that are as effortless as a fart in a storm.
A tropical watercolour in four stages. (To the left.)
Plus a fabulous rainbow forest painting, which I dare you not to love so hard you'll defy decency and marry it.
New Products
New Portrait
Do you or someone you know have a home that's becoming overrun? Overwhelmed with beer bottles that have pretentious labels that stare into your soul and find you lacking? Then I've got a brand new style of portrait that's going to liberate your storage space. This fancy pants personalised doodle is created in the style of Craft Beer Hipster so your very own loved one can be immortalised as a IPA enthusiast that they are. Personalised portrait: Only £25
Book
Until the end of the month, if you buy a copy of Sour Fruit, you'll get a free set of dystopian postcards, a handy handmade Guide to Kingston, some stickers and a badge. Because we could all do with some extra free stuff to soften the blow of well... everything.
Over and Out
That's it folks, one super dandy newsletter, hope you enjoyed it. Next month's will include a prize draw that's pretty much the dog's bollocks so make sure you're signed up.